Harry Potter and the Copyright Avoision
by RoflMaoZedong666
Summary: Harry and friends go on their misadventure to Hoggywarts...
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE: THE TRAIN THAT KILLED THE ORPHANS

This story starts in the small town of Heinzig, Austria. A small baby boy was born in a hay silo one winter morning. His mother, Queen Amidala, and his father, Elrond of Rivendell were very proud of this boy. But one day, they discovered a terrible birth mark on the boy's forehead. It was in the shape of Stalin's moustache. So the parents put him in a straw basket and floated him down the river Nile, only to be picked up by the great pharaoh, Saruman of many colors.

Harry quickly grew up with his father, but as he grew older, he began to realize something: all the rainbow flags in his fathers house, all these male 'visitors' his father had over, the many parades his father went to, and the absence of a female mother, Harry clearly realized that Saruman of many colors baked terrible cake, as he had a tendency to forget cracking the eggs, and left to find a new home.  
Soon, he was picked up by a large man in a white van. The man was very nice, and had lots of other children to. But on one day they stopped in Britain for another one of the man's 'fun times' where he chose one kid to come with him into the hotel room, never to be seen again. Harry slipped out and wandered around. Soon enough, he came to a train station. And that's were this story begins….

"Ron, you terrible child, you're the worst child and I hate you!" roared an angry British nanny.

Harry turned around just in time to see a plump red headed woman shove her son into a brick wall. The boy smacked his head against the wall and was bleeding from the nose, eyes, and freckles. He died, and the mother was taken away to police custody. Wanting to join the fun, Harry jumped at the brick wall, but he felt no pain. When he opened his eyes (because he had just closed them) he was in front of a large crowd of people, and one giant black object he had never seen before. It had wheels, and one big stack coming from the head that bellowed smoke. It was a black man in a wheel chair.

"Oi' lad!" yelled the black man rolling his way to Harry, "My names Osca! Im da' grounds keepa' uv' 'Ogwarts!"

Just then an even larger black man with a big curly black beard pushed the homeless cripple into a blender.

"I'm Jamal, the real grounds keeper! You can call me Hagrid."

"Ok!" replied Harry

Curious, Harry boarded a train that I forgot to mention because I got carried away with colored people. But the train door slammed shut and took off, despite a group of orphans sitting in front.

"Take your seats!" roared Brunhilda, the magical lunch cart lady with a moustache. It wasn't a peach fuzz moustache, it was a full blown moustache, like one you'd see on some Italian. Harry jumped into a booth with a red headed kid sitting in there.

"Hi, I'm Ron!"

"I thought you died".

"That was my brother, Ron, _I'm_ Ron".

"Oh" replied Harry.

"My father touches me" retorted Ron.

Next Chapter: Los Locos…


	2. Chapter 2: Los Locos

Chapter Two: Los Locos

Just as Harry and Ron were chatting and getting to know each other, something happened. The lights in the train slowly turned off, and the windows became very icy. Ron and Harry stopped talking as their door slowly opened. In came a floating dark cloaked figure, it seemed to drain the air of all diabetes. It turned and looked at the two.

"Maaayy I siiiitt here?" the monster hissed.

"No" replied Harry.

So it left and the lights came back on.

But then, suddenly, the lights turned off again, and the windows froze up. The train room was filled with an air of fear, as slowly, a dark figure came into the room. It was a girl with long bushy brown hair.

"Hi, I'm Hermione, your new friend!" said the girl.

"AHH KILL IT! KILL IT!" screamed Ron.

Harry quickly grabbed the girl by the hair, smashed her head through the glass, then tossed her out the window.

"Thanks Harry, I was so scared" said Ron. Then, Ron took out a cage, and from that cage he pulled out a small pet fish. It smelt terribly bad, and looked dead, as it wasn't moving at all.

"What's that?" asked Harry.

"It's my pet Scabbers! All he does is sleep though, he never moves."

"Don't fish need water?" asked Harry.

"It's not a fish" replied Ron.

"You young kids want some chocolate?" said the magical lunch cart lady.

"Sure! Gimme chocolate you old whore" Harry said.

So the magical lunch cart lady handed Harry a Wonka bar, and threw a lint ball at Ron.

"Oh boy, Lint!" and Ron ate it.

Harry slowly opened his chocolate bar, and to his surprise, he found a golden ticket. Excitedly, Harry turned it over, and it clearly read 'FUCK YOU KID'.

Suddenly, the train came to a stop and Hagrid came into the room and yelled "SPONGE ME!"

Harry and Ron got onto a magical boat with another student, but the student looked disgusted.

"Stupid fat Hobbit! You have no friends, nobody likes you!" he said. Then another student got into the boat and said "Potatoes, boil em, mash em".

So Harry and Ron were forever scared of possible rapists and left that boat to go on the magical steam boat which was piloted by the Witch King.

"I loved you in movies!" screamed Ron

"Sauron needs the ring!" the witch king hissed then crashed the magic boat, then hopped on a dragon and flew back to Angmar.

"All right children, go into the castle. Those who refuse to go will become stew… children stew… with a nice Pope almond side dish", said Hagrid.

"Mmmm, children stew", mumbled Nevile, who's now in this story, and he went off to Hagrid's tepee never to be seen again.

All the new kids pilled into one small room which was decorated with purple wall paper.

"I, am McGonagall… you kids shall go into the great hall and be sorted by the shorting burka!"

"I hope I'm a Gryffindor!" said Hermione.

"OH GOD KILL IT! KILL IT!" screamed Ron

So then Harry pulled out his wand he has now and screamed 'FUCKING SHIT!' and magical red lightning flew from the tip and struck her, which she then fell out the window into the tiger filled moat that surrounded the castle.

All the new kids came into the great hall, there were five long tables filled with students. The kids lined up at the front of the hall by the teachers desk.

"Look Harry! Those are the best teachers in the country! There's McGonagall, Snape, Hagrid, Headmaster Sauron, and the defense teacher Han Solo!"

"Hey kids! I'm in movies!" yelled Han.

So the kids took turned putting on the sorting burka, which it sorted them into one of the five houses. There was Gryffindor the cool house, Ravenclaw the smart house, Slytherin the evil house, Hufflepuff the loser house, which was inhabited with members like Cedric Diggory and the Ukrainian hockey team, and finally Los Locos house, which was filled with Latin members who all looked dirty and in gangs.

It was Harry's turn as Ron and Hermione went to Gryffindor. He put on the burka, and he immediately felt like his body was being touched all over. But it turned out Hagrid was behind him grappling his body.

"Sorry Harry, sponge me?"

"Ello 'Arry!" whispered the burka "Allah says you to Slytherin, yes yes?"

"Im attracted to young boys" replied Harry.

"Gryffindor!" hissed the Burka, and Harry went to his table.

So they had dinner in the great hall, which consisted of a delicious stew and some form of almond sauce. After they were done, Headmaster Sauron stood up for a speech.

"Fooolss…" hissed Sauron, "bring me the Ring, the One Ring! I want the One Ring! Now, you fools enjoy your stay, no one into the Rectal Cancer Forest… it is… off booouunndsssssss. Now… we sing the Hogwarts theme songs!"

The magical Toronto orchestra came in with their magical instruments and began the super magical Hogwarts song…

dum dum

dum dum

Strange and mysterious  
Towers made of red gold  
Cold as ice  
Moscow  
But who really knows you  
The white, a fire burns  
In your so hot  
Cossack hey hey hey highlights the glasses  
Natascha ha ha ha du bist schön  
Towar hey hey hey on the lives  
On your well brother hey brother ho  
Moscow, Moscow  
Throw the glasses against the wall  
Russia is a beautiful country  
Ho ho ho ho ho, hey  
Moscow, Moscow  
Your soul is so great  
At night, because the devil is going on  
Ha ha ha ha ha, hey  
Moscow, Moscow  
Love tastes like caviar  
Girls are kissing because  
Ho ho ho ho ho, hey  
Moscow, Moscow  
Come we dance on the table  
Until the table breaks down  
Ha ha ha ha ha  
Moscow  
Gateway to the past  
Mirror of the time Czar  
Red like the blood  
Moscow  
Who knows your soul  
The white, love burns  
Hot as the embers  
Cossack hey hey hey highlights the glasses  
Natascha ha ha ha du bist schön  
Towar hey hey hey on the love  
On your well girl hey girl ho  
Moscow, Moscow  
Throw the glasses against the wall  
Russia is a beautiful country  
Ho ho ho ho ho, hey  
Moscow, Moscow  
Your soul is so great  
At night, because the devil is going on  
Ha ha ha ha ha, hey  
Moscow  
Lala lala lala la, lala lala lala la  
Ho ho ho ho ho, hey  
Moscow, Moscow Lala lala lala la, lala lala lala la

Ha ha ha ha ha  
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh  
Moscow, Moscow

Moscow, Moscow  
Vodka drink pure and cold  
That makes a hundred years old  
ha ha ha ha ha, hey  
Moscow, Moscow  
Father your glass is empty  
But in the basement is more  
Ha ha ha ha ha

Moscow, Moscow  
Love tastes like caviar  
Girls are kissing because  
Ha ha ha ha ha  
Moscow, Moscow  
Come we dance on the table  
Until the table breaks down

Then all in unison the entire school screamed 'hey!', then were marched back to their dormitories for the night by the KGB.


	3. Chapter 3: Collapse of the Soviets

Chapter 3: Collapse of the soviets

Harry woke up early the next morning, burst into head master Sauron's office, and saw a curious sight; Sauron was sitting on a throne, but next to him was a pale man, with long greasy hair and pale skin that was whispering things into Sauron's ear. It was none other than Vladimir Lenin.

Harry screamed 'HOLY FUCK' and a green bolt of lightning killed him, thus the Soviet Union collapsed and Hogwarts was saved.

THE END….


	4. Chapter 4: First Day of Asses

I meant classes

'I'm negro' screamed Dean Tomas early in the morning, waking the room up.  
Harry slowly got up and put on his clothes for the day, while Ron slowly got up, and took his off for the day.

'Oh boy Harry, I'm starved! I wonder what kind of magical breakfast we'll have this morning' said Ron.

'I has a scar o' Stalin's moustache on me head' replied Harry.

'Wow! How'd you get that!?' replied Ron

Just then Harry fell down the stairs and screamed 'ISILDUUUUUUUUUUR'.

The two friends came into the great hall for breakfast, everyone was eating their food.

'Oh boy! Time for our magical breakfast! I wonder what it will be… magical pixie bottoms, dragon's teeth, witch antennas!' said Ron excited.

'Witches don't have antennas' replied Hermione.

'HOLY FUCK KILL IT! KILL IT!' screamed Ron.

So Hagrid burst into the room, grabbed her by the hair, spun her around in the air by her hair, then let her go and she collided with NBA's famous Magic Johnson, who was only at Hogwarts because of his name.

It turns out they had magical pot roast for breakfast.

The first class they had was potions with Professor Snape. Harry and Ron slowly walked down the stair case to get to their class, when they got down, to their horror, they saw the class had already started, but no one was in the room except Snape.

'HARRY, RON' he yelled 'You two are obviously late, so you shall _obviously_ be receiving detention and I _obviously_ expect you to do homework, this _obvious_ homeworking in this book.'

Just then the rest of the class came in and took their seats.

'_Obviously_, we will be making a potion...Go'.

So the class started and Harry and Ron were all 'wtf'? So Hermione came and sat next to them. 'I can help you 'cause I know everything' she said.

So she helped the two make their potion and get through the first class. After that, Harry and Ron didn't want to kick her in the teeth as much.

Next class was Defense Against the Dark Arts, Proffesored by Han Solo. The class came in the dark room and took their seats.

'Hello class, I'm in movies. Best way to fight dark is laser pistols. Free laser pistols for everyone.'

But Neville who is back from the children stew accidentally shot a less important character in the sternum and kill him, resulting in the loss of privilege of laser pistols.

'Sir, how do we fight You Know Who?' asked A more important character.

'Ah yes, I'd say your fucked' replied Han.

'Who's You Know Who?' asked Harry.

'The worst ever wizard in the world, and he's alive' replied Ron.

'But what's his name?' said Harry.

'It's to scary for me' replied Ron.

'His real name isn't spoken of in wizard world, but his real name is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Frodo Baggins. He's so evil, one time he rented an airplane, adopted a puppy, then flew over power lines and dropped it on there. They say Frodo was dead, but was kept alive by his most trusted servant, Chairman Mao, who has a magical silver arm.' replied Hermione.

Next was Herbology with the Los Locos. The teacher, Professor Jim Ross, taught them the magical art of growing plants. Today they were growing tomatoes!

'HEY ESSAI, WEST MAAN, JU GUNNA DIE' screamed Carlos Chaveraz, a student in Los Locos, as he pulled a dirty Mexican gun from his head bandana and filled another less important character with lead. So Herbology was over.

Instead of going to their last class, Harry and Ron had to do detention, which was more important for some reason.  
'_Obviously_, your work will be done with the _obvious_ janitor' said Snape.

'Who's the janitor?' replied Ron

'_Obviously_' replied Snape.

It turns out the janitor was Janitor Voldemort, and they had to help him clean the magical toilets with magical toothbrushes.

After that, they had Magical Spaghetti and went to bed.

Next Chapter…

Chapter 5: Mystic Klondike Adventure…

TO BE CONTINUED


	5. Chapter 5: Mystic Klondike Adventure

Harry woke up the next morning to see Ron staring at him.

'Guess what today is?' he asked Harry.

'What?' replied Harry putting on his glasses.

'Today we get to go to Hogsmead! Is gonna be fun!' said Ron.

'I'm going to marry your sister in the seventh book' replied Harry.

So the two friends met Hermione downstairs in the Great Hall for breakfast. The hall was filled with smiling children and nice warm raw fish served with a siding of hamsters. The three sat down beside Neville, who look happy, like he was waiting for something. As was Dean and Shamus O'Finnigan.

'Mails here!' screamed Neville jumping up and down.

From the windows of the great hall flew in the magical Luftwaffe, and they seemed to be dropping objects in front of every student. Some packages landed in cereal, some landed in fish, and others landed in throats, causing great pain. So the peoples of London had to rebuild their city after the failed Nazi take over.

In front of Neville fell a round black object. It was a Remembrall, his granny had sent it to him, and Neville was very excited. But the ball landed on the floor and broke, and he cried.

'Hey kids, time to come with me!' said Magic Johnson. 'Time for tha' trip yaaall.'

So all the magical Hogwarts kids lined up to go to the trip. Finally, it was Harry's turn to talk to Magic.

'Hey there little buddy, where's your parents permission?' asked Magic.

'My parents don't love me' replied Harry.

'Neither do I… next!' called out Magic.

Harry was sad. He wandered around the halls thinking out how much he hated the school and how much he wanted to burn it down. Soon, Harry came to two stone Henry Winklers.

'Eeeh!!, what's the password?'.

'Ilsa the prostitute no body loves' replied Harry

'Eeeeehh!' and a door slid open.

Inside was a large room filled with ceramic plates and pink doilies. On each of the plates was a magical kitty that moved around, slept, chased a ball of yarn or meowed. On the desk was a golden name plate that read 'DOLORES', and sitting behind a pink table-clothed desk was none other than head master Sauron.

'Hey Harry, what's your problem?' he asked.

Harry jumped up onto Saurons lap. 'Well… I don't know my parents, I can't go to Hogsmead, I'm confused about my sexuality, and this birth mark is making people stare at me.' Said Harry.

'Well well… you mustn't give up Harry. Do you think once I was killed at the battle of the last alliance I gave up? No, I became a giant eye and brought death and chaos to middle earth. If I gave up, I never would have resumed my physical formed and killed and raped all those hobbits.' replied Sauron.

'You're right. If I just sit around and not go to Hogsmead, I'll never get to resume my physical form and rape hobbits. Master Sauron… I'm going to Hogsmead!' said Harry.

So Harry slipped out with the help of Ron's two older brothers Cheech and Chong.

'Harry!' said Hermione pulling up her blouse after Harry found her and Ron hugging tightly in the Chinaman's tea and arms shop. 'I thought you couldn't come!'

'Sauron changed my mind' replied Harry.

'YOU CANT BE HERE!' bellowed Magic Johnson.

'Yes I can, I rape hobbits!' replied Harry.

So Magic Johnson shot a three pointer and returned to which ever wacky state he lives in.

'Alright, your brothers gave me this treasure map… The say there's plundered booty atop the Klondike Mountain. We have to go find it.' Said Harry.

So the friends all went outside and looked up at the 573 foot tall mountain.

'Well never get up there!' exclaimed Ron.

'Yes we will! If we ride the magical unicorn!' said Harry

So they all hopped atop Abe Lincoln and flew to the mountain. It turns out there was booty atop it, but it was just Michelangelo's Gentleman's club, so they went back to Hogwarts disappointed…

But they were in for a surprise…


	6. Chapter 6: The Happenings

Chapter 6: The Happenings

So, Harry and friends began to travel back to Hogwarts after a disappointing adventure onto Klondike Mountain. One good thing came out of it however, when Ron was scaling down the hillside, he had met a beautiful woman. She told him her name was Ungumba, and that she was a trapped fairy inside a woman's body for some reason.  
"Well, you're very pretty you know. What can I do to help you?" Ron asked  
"There's only one thing you can do.." replied the fairy with a wicked grin. "I want you to cross the Bridge of Uncertainty and enter the Meadows of Confusion. There, you shall find someone, a small man, by the name of Francis... I need you to kill him, then you shall set me free and we can have wacky fairy sex."

So Ron, being the jackass he is, traveled across the bridge and into the Meadows. Then some shit happened and stuff. After Ron returned with the severed head of Francis, he had found the fairy wasn't truly beautiful in her true form.  
"What happened to you!?" he cried, dropping the bleeding head.  
"Don't you see? By doing this for me, you have released my true state, you have shown that you love me for me, no matter how I look!" replied the fairy, who was looking rather repulsing.  
Ron stood there, grinding over the subject. "My ass" he said, and then went back to Hogwarts.

Back at the school, Ron found Harry and this other guy who was kind of black, but not black black, you know? Anyways, they were duelling magic or something, and Harry seemed to be winning.  
"Hokus Bullshit!" called Harry, and a gleaming stream of purple magics flew from the tip of his wand. It hit the black kid and the black died sort of. He didn't really die, just died on the inside.  
"Hey Ron, how'd the wacky fairy sex go?" asked Harry, inserting his wand in his pants for safe keeping.  
Before Ron could answer, Hermione came into the room in a panic. Her hair was in a kerfuffle (yeah I used that word you reading little dumbass. What are you going to do about it, you don't know me, my life, what I've been through, my experience, my job, my family, where I live, my eye colour), and her teeth were also in a kerfuffle somehow.  
"Harry, Ron, something is happening to Neville! Come quick!" she screamed.  
The three ran down the stairs, over the unconscious body of the grounds keeper who seemed to have consumed to much bubba beer, and across the mote of tigers.  
There, a crowed of assholes gathered, all staring slack jawed at the figure of Neville, who sat in the middle.  
'Are you alright Neville?" asked Harry, catching his breath.  
"Why yes, I am" Neville replied.

The next day Harry woke to find an old guy sitting beside his bed. This man was old, wrinkles covered his rough skin, and feeble strands of silver hair protruded in spaced out positions all along the baled top of the head. At first, Harry thought it was his grandfather, but then he realized it was his wife. Nah just kidding could you imagine?  
"Harry" croaked the old man. "Today some shit will go down and you will never be the same. Today is a new day, and new days are new, something that hasn't happened yesterday, because yesterday is not today, and today is new, new things will happen, to which will change you and you shall never be the same. Yes indeed, new things will be new and old things shall be done, because everything has been already done, because it is the past... even this sentence."  
"I see what you're saying!" replied Harry, with a smile on his face. "You're saying Quidditch is for dinner!"  
"Aye lad! Now you know, and knowledge is half the planet!" the old man said, wiping some drool and pigs blood from his whiskers. Then he parachuted out the window into the mote of tigers, landed on one, and rode off into the distance with the ugly fairy bitch.

Harry met Ron and Pippin, whose in this story now, down at breakfast. Together, they all ate hash and kippers and tea and other foppish stuff.  
"Om nom nom this is good, I like foppish British stuff especially because I'm British" Ron spoke, pieces of chewed up gross stuff flying out onto the table.  
"Yes, as do I. We are all British and all foppish. Britannia rules the waves!" cried Harry, raising his fork as some kind of mark of triumph.  
Then Dean or Seamus, whichever one is the Irish one was all "Grrr I'm not British therefore have never had anything to boast about because I am Scottish and you aren't".

Hermione came rushing in again, this time her face was red and a look of terror painted her face.  
"Oh my god guys I was just in the washroom being a bitch when I heard that today is the day we have to fight some shit and stuff or bad things will happen like health care!"  
"Your right!" replied Harry, checking his watch which clearly read 'Some shit today'.

The armies of Hogwarts gathered on the beach shore which Hogwarts definitely did have. Students of all ages and races stood ready and stuff. Then, two figures rode down the mountain trail which Hogwarts also had. On horseback, the two mysterious mysteries galloped to a halt in front of Arthur Curry, who was leading the army.  
"We are Utherix and Ballthazar, and we are here to help you!" called one, which was received with a cheering crowd.  
"Let the battle begin!" cried Curry.  
Then Utherix and Ballthazar died. Luckily, Prime Minister John A Macdonald, in his utmost wisdom, happened to be flying over the battlefield on the back of his trusty gryphon, and say the Hogwartsians plight. Soaring down to the fight, John A Macdonald used some magic shit of his own and killed all the enemies there ever was.  
"Gee, thanks Mr. Macdonald!" called a crying little girl waving a red ensign with utmost patriotic pride.  
"AWW GEE GADOOF, WHATCHOO DUN KNOW NOW DUR AINT GOT NUFING" replied someone else who wasn't Sir John.  
I bet your wondering who the enemies were?

Harry and Hermione walked off back to the school because Ron died or maybe he didn't.  
"Harry... I have to tell you something." Hermione whispered softly, fiddling with her hair all the while.  
"What is it Hermione I don't like listening to your face god you're so stupid sometimes I just feel like drop kicking your teeth and using your head to serve punch or some shit I can spike and steal everyone's wallets and coin purses once their all passed out." replied Harry, who seemed to be transfixed at the crackling fire which was there now.  
"Harry... I-I-I think..."

TOO BE CONTINUEEDD??one??


	7. Chapter 7: Hajji and the Troll

Chapter 7: Hajji and the Troll

Harry lay in his bed. It was dark, the only source of light were that of the setting moon, which cast early blue glows around the room. It was also cold. Harry's nose seemed to tingle at the chill, and his face felt hardened. Pulling his magical bed covers over himself, providing some extra adage of warmth, he turned dreary to his side and looked at his magical clock radio. 5:17am it read, not time to get up yet.  
"You know, if this story is going to go anywhere, the chapters will have to get longer, and the plot will have to progress." Harry thought to himself, and so it was done.

"Wake up Harry!" said Ron "its time for school!".  
"If I had a chain saw I would travel to your house and massacre your family Ron." retorted Harry, rubbing his eyes.  
"C'mon get dressed, its time for breakfast!" called Seamus O'Finnigan, who was already dressed.

Harry rose from his bed, and began looking through his wardrobe for his cloak.  
"What to wear what to wear" Harry thought out loud.  
"I wonder how much breakfast ham I can store in my trousers for a mid-class snack" thought Ron aloud as well.  
Finding his cloak, Harry sneezed into it for good luck and dressed in it. In the common room, Harry found Ron and scabbers playing magical wizard poker, although scabbers didn't look like he was having fun... or alive.  
"Harry guess what!" smiled Ron, slipping the dead fish into his pants along with last mornings breakfast eggs. "Today I'm going to ask this girl I like to go out with me!"  
"For the last time your mother doesn't count" replied Harry as the two exited out the super secret entrance, in which the fat lady in the picture seemed to be enjoying a chocolate cake.  
"Oh boy, picture cake, may I have some?" asked Ron.  
"Why yes you may young child" replied the picture lady.  
Ron went to grab at the picture cake, but soon realized picture cake was not edible.  
"Ha ha, silly boy. You cannot have my cake, be gone!" laughed the lady.

As the two were walking down the staircase cake less, they ran into an old enemy.

"Aah Potter.. I see you have no parents." smirked Asian Draco Malfoy.  
"Aah Malfoy, I see you have no fingers" retorted Hagrid the janitor as he bit them off and sold it for various black guy stuff like fried chicken.  
Asian Draco realized without his fingers he was powerless and ran off to make magic happen somewhere.  
"Gee, thanks Hagrid, I don't know what I would have done." thanked Harry, keeping his distance.

The great hall was bustling with students. Harry and Ron found a seat next to Hermione and Optimus Prime. Breakfast ham and brown drink was for breakfast, so Harry tipped a whack load of brown drink onto his plate and filled his cup with a healthy amount of ham.  
"So Optimus, you were saying how if you negate the magical attribute of the Eyther wind, and combined the foundations of winds Ashq and Moru, you can harness a stronger magical energy?" asked Hermione.  
"I hear there's a cave on the third moon of Jupiter, so there's no need to bring a tent!" replied Optimus. Then he wished them all good luck on their drug tests, and flew out the chimney, meeting Santa on the way, stole his presents, and distributed them to all the orphan robot/human/German Kaisers in the world.

There was a deafening screech, and the magical mail Luftwaffe came soaring in, all carrying packages. The morning paper dropped for Hermione, a mysterious brown parcel dropped for Harry, and lint dropped for Ron.  
"Oh boy, this day keeps getting better and better!" squealed Ron, jamming the lint into his mouth.  
"What did you get Harry?" asked Hermione, unfolding her paper, which the headline was "BREAKING NEWS: JESUS BEATS ALLAH IN MAGICAL SPACE FIGHT"  
He slowly unwrapped the package. It was a note, and Harry carefully unfolded it.  
"Well, what is it?" asked Hermione again.  
"Its a note, and I'm slowly unfolding it." he replied.  
Harry read it out loud.  
"Dear Harry. I broke your blender making home made cement and your broom is stupid. Love Sauron"

The magical school bell rang, as bells have a tendency to do, and the students shuffled into the hallways to attend their classes.  
"Looks like we have potions first, again" groaned Ron, checking his day schedule which I forgot to mention they had.

Entering the room, they found it seemingly empty, so they took a seat at the back like all the cool kids do, so the teacher won't see their miss-doings and other mischievous activities.  
"Oi!" called a voice from inside the room  
"Did you hear that?" whispered Ron, who clung to Harry's arm.  
"Oi!" it called again.  
"Who's there?" demanded Harry, drawing his wand.  
A small figure jumped onto their desk. It was a house elf, four feet tall, pale brown, leathery skin, and long floppy ears.  
"Why hello, my name is Bobby, and I'm a house elf!" it said  
"Hello Bobby, I'm Harry Potter, but for legal purposes, I'm not." replied Harry.  
"I'm Ron, and for legal purposes, my name is Armand Van Tinklekins" replied Ron as well.  
"Neat. Bye" said Bobby, and with a snap of his fingers, the house elf was surrounded in a magical cloud of purple, then he walked out the room.

The room was still empty and quiet. Harry sat listening, and slowly, he heard something in the distance of the hallways. It sounded familiar and it slowly grew louder.  
"aaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" said the voice at it approached the room. Then, entered Snape with a triumphant "Obviously!"  
He looked around at the empty room, and then turned to Harry and Ron.  
"Obviously, there are no children here, so I think it would be obvious for you to make the obvious conclusion that maybe, the class is cancelled!" snarled Snape.  
Harry's heart began to rise when he realized the class was cancelled. Now he could go lock himself in the common room's washroom and eat pudding. He and Ron rose to leave, when Snape jumped in front of the door. " Where do you obvious two think you're going?"  
"I thought you said the class was cancelled?" asked Harry, realizing his dream of washroom pudding might be slipping away.  
"Yes, but you obviously came. So you two shall help me with some work. Come!" he called.  
Snape led the two to his desk, in which he opened the drawer marked 'Obvious supplies', and withdrew a sponge and fork.  
"Your job is to insert the fork into the sponge. Do this for one hour, and then be off to your next class." sneered Snape, who opened the daily newspaper and read.  
So Harry and Ron took a seat at a desk, Harry with the sponge and Ron with the fork.  
"Uhm.. ok, I guess just put in the fork. Easy and innocent enough." Harry said  
Ron stuck the sponge with the fork, but then his face caught fire.  
'Haha you fools" laughed Snape, lowering the paper so the black soulless eyes peeked over the top. "If you two had bothered to use your scouters, you'd know the sponge has an obvious power level of OVER 9000, but you obviously didn't think of that obvious solution." Then he threw a book at Harry's head, turned into a walrus and rolled out of the room.  
Assuming that their time was over, the two met Hermione in the hallways and both made their way to their next class, defence against the dark arts. Inside, they took their seats next to Seamus O' Flarity and Dean 'Nigga dun busted ma Drawers' Thomas.  
Entering the room was King Leonidas, which caused much confusion amongst the class.  
"Sir, I thought Han Solo was the DADA teacher" asked Hermione.  
"Oh, I thought this was Herbology'" groaned Seamus O' Flanagan.  
King Leonidas spun around to face Seamus O' Fergus. "Herbology?..... THIS.. IS... DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS!" (overused 300 reference I know), and with a massive kick of his massive leg, Seamus O' Falahan fell down the pit of doom, to herbology class.  
"To address your questions... Han Solo had to go fight Star Wars, so I have taken over. I want you all to get out your wands. I will be putting you all into groups of two. Got them out? Good. Harry, you're with Asian Draco."  
"Groan!" groaned Harry.  
Him and Asian Draco slowly stood up, went into the middle of the room, and faced each other, wands drawn.  
"Ok children, on the count of SHAZAM, you will fire your wands until the other is downed." Leonidas barked. He raised his mighty arm. "One..."  
Harry's hand gripped the shaft of the wooden wand tighter.  
"Two..."  
Harry's hand began to sweat. His grip of the wand began to slide as his hand trembled with anticipation.  
"SHAZAM!" called Leonidas. Right as those words left his mouth, Asian Draco screamed  
"NINJA TRICKS!" and he disappeared.  
Harry's eyes aggressively scanned the area for any clue as to the vanished Asian Draco. Suddenly, Harry felt a sharp pain shoot up his spine. The pain seemed to crawl up his body and spread to the front of his body.  
"Haha, you are no match for me or my shogun training." gawked Asian Draco, as he stored his wand away.  
How ever, Harry wasn't finished. Asian Draco stood facing the crowd of cheering Slytherins. You see, Asian Draco may of known NINJA TRICKS, but Harry, being raised in Austria, knew of a counter attack. Screaming "BOOBLYTOOKNAP", magic flew from Harry's wand, and hit Asian Draco.  
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE" he screamed as he flew into a fireplace and burned to ashes.  
"Congratulations Harry!" beamed Ron and Hermione as the bell rang.

The three followed the crowd of students into the great hall for lunch. However, Headmaster Sauron had forgotten to pay the magic food bill, and there was no lunch.

After, the three went to Herbology with the Los Locos. However, police investigations have accused the Los Locos of rape, murder, and arson of a family of bears inside the rectal cancer forest, so were all under investigation.  
"Aaah, it seems its just Gryffindor today" mumbled the herbology teacher, Mike Holmes. "Today kids, we will be growing home equity. I want you all to take a pot, some dirt, and a mortgage. Mix them all with water and watch the outcome!"  
They did this, and nothing happened, and everyone was very so disappointed. Class was then over.

Instead of one more class, the three found out that there was a presentation in the magical gym. Harry, Ron and Hermione all filed into the gym and sat on the magical chairs. The room was booming with voices of all the students, when all of a sudden, there was a loud hiss from the magical speakers adorning the walls.  
"Fooolllssssss... maassstteerr Sssssauron wisssshesss sssssilenccce, ssssilenccee and the one ring!! hiisssssss rawr gurgl gurgl fwamp rawr" hissed a Naz'gul.  
Sauron took the stage, and the gym quickly hushed.  
"Hello everyone. I bet your wondering why I called you here".  
"Trooooooooolllll!!! in the washroom. Thought you must know" squealed Hajji, the Indian teacher.  
There was great confusion, until Sauron hopped onto his giant monster thing and soared off into the hallways. Harry rushed out to follow. The halls were dark, only flickering torches lit the stone halls. There was a noise, a great roar, like that of a monster. It was disgusting, horrifying, nauseating... it was Ron and he was yawning.

The two ran down the path after Ron had stopped being so gross. Following the directions from the angry Cossacks in one picture, the two came to a washroom. Inside was a giant beast. Ten feet fall, covered in rough, rock like skin, and holding a cruel looking wooden spatula, the troll turned its stupid face towards the two.  
"HUR DUR MA LUR" it bellowed as it lifted up an unfortunate student who happened to be using the toilet and hurled it at Harry.  
"Protuctus from Pottius!" Ron roared, and the toilet, and student, smashed into one hundred butterflies. The troll glared evilly, then charged. Harry pushed Ron and out of the way from the monster, and it crashed into a wall. Tiling from the ceiling came crashing down and smashed over the marble floors. Quickly regaining himself, the troll swung its weapon, smashing apart a sink, which then spurted water into the air. Again, the monster charged at Harry and Ron, but this time it had tripped over three butterflies, hit itself in the head, died, and buried its own body in the Hogwarts grounds. Sauron came storming in, followed by McGonagall, Leonidas, and the sneering figure of Snape.  
"........MY ASS" screamed Sauron, waving his magic severed head to clean up the room. "You wiggers are in for some serious shit" boomed McGonagall.  
"Yes, some obvious shit" added Snape, smiling.  
"No Harry is the main character, he can't get into anything bad." said Sauron  
"I thought I was the main character." whimpered Hagrid from his stone outhouse in which he lived.  
"But Ron on the other hand, is unimportant... besides, he married Hermione in the future, and I have plans to marry her now. Ron, you're sentenced to clean Fluffy's room." said Sauron.  
"Fluffy? What's that?" asked Ron  
"He's Hagrid's giant dog... and he leaves a giant mess." returned Snape

So Harry went to bed that night, satisfied with the length of this chapter, and although no real progressions on the plot were made, he knew that in the next chapter, something dramatic will happen.


End file.
